Lonely mood

Okay so before I get into… whatever the heck the sketch is… I want to share a photo that helped me feel a little more ok with my situation when it ain’t gr8 during tiring school times and things like that. It says it shows what goes on when you’re going thru both anxiety and depression.

BUT- these are feelings we can all go thru and should not ignore, regardless of how long-term and how intense they are. They are not us, they are how we feel right now, and that’s ok… it’s not our fault, and trying to shun them rather than accepting them and the need to relax, etc. will only make it worse and worse.

And below is my weird-ass sketch/rant that I rlly wanted to share somewhere with people who don’t know me, which feels easier in some ways

Person Z is sitting alone in an empty room

Z: What do I do? Lol? Whadoidooooo? Idoidoidoido [starts singing ABBA] IdoIdoidoIdoIdoooooooooo. Okay. I can bear with. I can wait. I don’t need people that much. My mind will be fun. Ok I can wait. How long? Shit… NO it’s fine. I just feel a little unloved and lonely that’s all. That’s ok. I can wait till I next feel ok to get out of this empty VR world. Ok. Myself. What’s goin with myselfffffff eh? Fake game of football in head? Why is that only fun to do when I’m choosing to do it among people? This is my real chance to imagine stuffff without feeling guilty. I can do stuff.

“Let’s create right now!”

Paper and pen appear in hand

Z: Comedy. Yes. Comedy. Ok. That’s noice. What’s in my head. Nothing?? Absolutely squat? Aren’t I like… what’s in my mind??

Well what about spiders? Fears? Love? Yes. What about spider love. And my prison idea, how someone really is a police who’s working on a case, but becomes good friends with people who they have to arrest. Fit that in?? Okay.  Different story or same story. Different. NO it needs to pack in all or it won’t be enough. I don’t know.

I don’t.. know.

Oh my god. I hate myself. I just wanna feel self-sufficient you know. Because I’m scared I’ve driven everyone in my life away, or either that or they’re truly all trying to expose me, and I just need to be proud of myself

How can I do that? I can’t even plan a small creative piece. Small. How about a sentence? A nice descriptive sentence?

How about writing down how I feel right now? Change the fucking world ayyyy. Relate to people. Should I do that?

What’s been going on thru my mind?? Oh my god, so much, so much, SO MUYCHYBHBHHHJ., And now I can’t put it downnn. I’m useless. I enjoy nothing. 

Why? I only burden y’all….. Eventually I fuck up in everything with both myself and otherz. Close friends, something happens and it just fails I dunno. 

Ok. 

“End lonely simulation”

Z back into real world

Z: I need to take a walk in the real world. Among people, but alone ya knowwww. 

I’M SCARED EVERYONE I KNOW WILL JUDGE ME, SO I’M THEN GONNA TRY AND SHARE MY BELIEFS AND HOPES AND FEARS WITH RANDOM PEOPLE. Cos for now I just need to cope. To feel like I’m not alone, but not to pressurise myself into doing things I don’t want to. I have no idea when these feelings will pass. At times it feels like they never will, even if they always do. And you’ve just gotta wait it out and try your best not to hate yourself. It’s the trying that counts. And admitting that you are going through these things to the world, in whatever way feels comfortable, so that hopefully someone else can relate and feel like they’re not as alone as they thought. 

And admitting what you’re going through to yourself, because if you hide away your insecurities from yourself, how can you ever change them? If the world isn’t open about it’s problems, how can it ever change?

Z walking around largely empty streets with headphones on

Z: [sings/mutters multiple times, getting a slightly more ridiculous falsetto each time] I feel just a tad guiltyyyy… for being such a class A jackass 

But if. it’s. any. con-sol-at-ion, to the world. that. put. me. heeeere…… I-am-in-pain.

Rips headphones out of ears

Z: But I will keep trying to kick that pain in the ass. By tryna be nice to meeee

When you want what you do to seem awesome to everyone, but if it seems fulfilling to yourself then that’s really the best; or at least good, if not perfect; and that’s good enough

My muggish preachy thoughts: Be yourself, love yourself, accept yourself on a good and on a bad day, on a day where you achieved everything you could for your long-term day, and on a day where you felt so happy, and on a day where all you did was stay afloat… Your mind can look on your being like it looks on any other, a being that in this moment deserves to be proud of itself right nowww for just being in its own cool individual way.

And don’t quit on your friends… if they’re acting bad but you feel from experience that they’re a good person… if you get meeeee… anyone can be shitty in the moment because of what they’re feeling/going thru right nowwww, it’s whether they deep down care about the fact that they’re being shitty which matters; cos if you’re worried that you’re a bad person, you care so you’re not actually a bad person, you just did a bad ting. And an awesome is be open and honest when you think you’ve been a shit person in the moment.

Trust me, it’s noice to know that people still accept you even when you reveal your worst fears about yourself and how you’ve acted, even if you’re sure they’re true fears. Cos that means that they accept you for who you are as a person, instead of based on particular actions –> aka they are a paaaaaal

Person [A] walks furtively out of house; mission impossible music play

A passerby, slightly confused, says: Afternoooooon!

Person [A] runs back into house, pauses music that’s playing on phone; waits then legs it into a car; turns mission impossible music back on, now on CD in car instead

A phones a pal: Geeeeeez my pal, almost got caught ahh oh my god oh my god ahhh I almost lost everything

Pal: Yes, well, I just, well, to put it bluntly, I don’t wanna hurt you, but, I just, wonder, sometimes, bluntly, you know, sometimes just gotta flatten that sharp little sting into a blunt –

A: Geeez what the fuck are you talking about, I’m panicking so badly and you’re going for one of your overblown analogies, you serious right-

Pal: Bluntly, dude! Just bracing you –

A: Not one of your ‘blunt’ things that’s a disguised insult –

Pal: You serious? I’m trying to help – 

A: Well. I watched a video about it. Insults are really just self-hatred let out in weird directions

Pal: You kidding me? All I wanted to say is that what you’re doing is fucking ludicrous –

A: There you go. [emphatically lingers] Self-hatred. Manifest, manifesting itself into – 

Pal: Well I was trying to put it nicely. Because I wanted you to consider it, rather than get angry, because I give a shit about you. Sometimes I wonder why..

A: Ohhhh.. Geeeeez… So now you’re blaming me for your problems eh

Pal:  Hey you geeeeeez. Just shut up the barmy unbelievable mission stuff for one second, won’t ya, and listeeeen…

A: Alrighalrighalrigh..,Allllll-Riiiiiiiight.

Pal: Ok?

A: Ok. I’m listening

Pal: NO ludicrous tangents to distract me?

A: You know me.. a to-the-point maestro

Pal: Okay….. this is just driving you slightly insane, leading a pointless triple life or whatevs you call it

A: Well, I enjoy the air of mystique… it keeps my life ticking

Pal: Well I’m afraid you’ll realise in years it was a mistake. Like when people are all friends. And you never just accepted yourself and allowed other people to know anything about yourself.

A: AH, so now I hate myself?? Okokokokok-ooooookayyyyyy

Pal: Don’t

A: I’m not done. okokoko-

Pal: It’s just…. one day I’ll say I told you so.

A: Oh sureeeeee because you’ve got it all under controlll

Pal: at least you all know who I am in every way. Cos I’m open. With more than one person. AND WITH MYSELF, [speaks up as A turns mission impossible music back on] COS I DON’T THINK YOU ACTUALLY TAKE ANY TIME TO TALK TO YOURSELF- YOU know what.. I’ve got my own tricks

‘I TOLD YOU SO’ blurts out of a loud speaker concealed in the back of the car

A shrieks with surprise, grabs a wrench and hits the speaker repeatedly until it begins to break

Pal: And you thought you have the real tech prowess? See ya when you accept yourself, cos you r gr8 when you ain’t.. refusing yourself for who you are, and taking that frustration out on meee

Pal hangs up

A stares at pieces of speaker littered around the car, aghast

A Slumps back in car

A: [mutters to self under breath] OKokokkokok you’re such a shit. you’re the real shit.What do I doidoidoido I-dooooo. My pallllll [shouts] hatessss meeeee

Another passerby looks shocked at the spectacle of a person, wearing all black leather, shouting wildly while holding a wrench

A jumps out of car

A: D’ya have a minute

Passerby [a bit afraid]: Actually, I-

A: All I need is to pass on a message

Passerby: Well actually.. [stares at wrench] alright. Who for??

A: TO everyone. Every bloody person

Passerby: Please tell me that’s not a nickname for someone dodg-

A: NO. Ev. er. ry. person. Every. Person. 

Passerby: Whatdya mean

A: I mean. If someone asks who the weird person in all black leather is… I’m a plumberrrrrr yeahhhhh here’s my call card here’s my fucking call card I’m not a secret service agent I’m not a stripper I’m not a robber I’m not a weirdooo… I’m a plumberrrrrrrrrrrrrr yeahhhhhhhhh

A Runs around pushing leaflets with “PIPE DOWN PLUMBER” written on them through postboxes while shouting… “plumbing is cooooooool and y’all gonna know about it nowwwwww”

Passerby walks off bewildered, at last second returns to pick up the call card, saying to camera in mock-excited, over-pronouncing, moralising, steady (not slow or fast) tone, ‘Well my little kids do block the loo an awful lot. And I guess this person might scare them into being more careful.’

5 mins later…

Skip to A and Pal on phone together, singing, “be yourself, whoooooo, it’s ok if you’re not what everbody thinks is cooooooool… just accept yourself in every small and big interaction in liiiiifeeeee”

A [breathlessly, while music’s still playing and Pal is still singing along]: I mean it’s gr8. But, mission impossible will still be the grooviest song I’ve ever heard, regardless of whether it sends the wrong message or not..

Singing in the streets

Swag tip for you when you’re alone and sad, and wanna feel something/cathart but don’t wanna socialise:

keep a playlist of 15+ songs that you can just blast ouutttttt in the house, or even just murmur along to while walking or something… absolute game changer; the words/meaning don’t even really matter, just going a bit bonkers in a way that everyone else occasionally does makes you feel less alone/emotionless/unpassioned in my experience

News bulletin appears on local television

Reporter: And now for a change of mood, as we bring you a live broadcast of a surprise neighbourhood party for local restaurant singer Jon

Official looking person speaks into reporter’s ear

Reporter: What’s that?? Ah, … apparently, he prefers to go by the nickname of Jonliogli [looks bewildered]. Here to explain the logistics further is Jonli[…]ioglini’s  best “frenemy”..

Frenemy: So I work at the restaurant where Jonli[…]oglionio sings, and we’re always having these petty arguments over what he calls “creative differences”. Like last night, when he decided to break out into a falsetto at the climax of the Whitney Houston hit, [reads from palm] “I want to […] dance with somebody”. And I don’t want to offend anyone, but frankly I think I came face to face with Satan during those few moments….  

Frenemy: At the end of the day, he’s a warm soul and he just wants to share his “enlightenment” with the world innit.. I mean we all love him somehow, he’s one of them sods who you can’t help being annoyed by but loving… think of someone with minor lactose intolerance and pizza, or of Milton Jones and his puns… 

Reporter: Okayyyy… we’re sorry if any of the lactose intolerant, or Milton Jones-loving communities have taken any offence from the above statements; here at the local news we try to take a completely unbiased stance based on the model of BBC TV mockumentary W1A.

Frenemy was trying to wink at camera, but now looks flustered

Frenemy: so […] falters for a way to change subject] the plan! So the thing with Jongiliani is that he always sings his heart out. 

Reporter: lovely

Frenemy: No. I mean alwayyyyyyyz. In the loo, in his sleep… legend says he kept his mother awake by warbling while in the womb, but never does he have a greater impact than when on the streets. Trying to share his soul in what must be one of the most awkward towns in the country…… and it just unnerves everyone so much, I mean, nobody round here knows how to respond to a quick nod, let alone a shrill verse of the Disney hit [reads from other palm] “Let it go”

Reporter: Ok, well now it seems like you can’t stand Jonglaglon again…

Frenemy: As I say, it’s a shaky frenemyship, like his falsetto [smug wink at camera], but just for this one day, the entire neighbourhood has decided to support his antics and push past their self-consciousness… as he begins his infamous lunchtime ramble, we’ll all burst out from our houses and sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody. We’ve all practiced for hours… Well, I’d better go see Jonagstoni off

Reporter: Well, let’s hope that things all take off… on the right note [smug wink at camera, we see that the pun was actually the only thing up on a billboard just behind the camera, in huge letter]

Cut to inside house:

Jon: actually, I’m feel like I need to be respectable now my g –

Frenemy [flabbergasted]: But… it’s the day of expressing yourself, of ignoring any need for respectability –

Jon: Come on, drop that expression, there’s no need to pretend you enjoy my so-called “warbling” just for my sake – yes, I’ve heard you call it “warbling”. I will enjoy my famed sojourn in silence, free of my lily-livered notes [stifles a fake sob].

Frenemy grimaces worriedly

Jon walks into street, looking proud but wistful

Frenemy: But I want to hear a rendition of Bohem-

Jon [turns back]: You see, I know that’s the only song you know the name of, and it’s best for me to just showcase my new look… “proud but wistful” [carries on walking]

Echoes as Jon walks around

Frantic murmuring from behind bins, etc. until a shout from one hiding place

Shout: HELLO!

Jon: Who’s this

Shout from another hiding place: This is the conscience of the great Jonlioglonionister

Jon: Wow, that’s the greatest version of my name I’ve ever heard… it must be true!!

Many murmurs: Sing! Yolo…… dab, yeet

Jon: And those are my favourite sayings… [tries to remain dignified despite clear desire to jump and down] alright, I guess I can’t ignore your order

Jon starts a random song involving fake drums and shouting: “frrreeeedooom to the soulssss”

Frantic murmuring from hiding places… until another shout

Shout: No, sing for your frenemy… sing for them, show them that friendship wins over enemyyyyy[…]ship

Jon: [restrains excitement] Well alright, but only because you told me

Cut to reporter looking relieved as watches scene from behind a hidden camera, wiping brow from sweat as Jon looks delighted to see neighbours emerging and awkwardly bumbling their way through the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody… the reporter is so relieved that they are unable even to register the words that are being thrust in front of their eyes: “WELL, THIS IS MU-SICK”

Service station sketch

I’m honestly obsessed with service stations and the atmosphere in them… and wanted to explore prejudice just a little in some laid-back way… and wanted to include such a relatable problem/excuse (which you will reach if you read to almost the end!)

[N.B after every strange ‘ayyyy’ , person A looks more and more confused]

We can hear frantic murmurings inside a small service station… 

Man [M]“Oh… so you’re calling me normal, ayyy, well here’s a normal insult for you”

person [A] walks into service station

[as the door opens, a bell quietly rings, and the murmur dies away]

[Man in front of counter, woman behind counter]

Woman [W]: well why don’t we ask this customer then, ayy?

M: Sounds good to me. [menacing pause] Ayyyy

W: [quickly/matter-of-fact/business-like] Hello, welcome, hope you’re having a nice journey? 

person A: well –

W: [slowly] Could you help us resolve a minor tussle..?

person A: ummm- 

M: don’t worry, you won’t offend us, whoever you agree with.

A: well, it’s just –

M: I’m not lying. So, we were arguing over which of us two is more likely to be discriminated against.

W: We both think it’s ourselves. Ayyyy –

A: I’m just not sure-

W: Really, just tell us. 

M: We won’t mind. Whoever you choooose. [slowly] Ayyyyy. We’ve only been arguing for hours.

W: And you’re only the only thing that matters to us nowwwwwww.

A: Wait. Hours? You two even know each other?

W: No. That’s why I work here… To argue with random people :O

M: And that’s why I drive around all day. To argue with service station peopleeee

A: [weirded out] really, I’d love to help, it’s just –

M: Hey, seriously, I know you’re worried cos of the touchy subject, but it’s fine, you won’t offend us. Just hear us out..

W: Right so, he’s a man. I mean ain’t they usually the prejudicers in the first place?

M: Nah, she’s a woman, nowadays no one dares to insult a woman any more…

W: Hey, no! That’s only on the news, in real life I’m much likelier to be predujidicccc[hesitates]iced against

M: Hey that’s not true, I’m always being prejudiccccciceed against… for showing my feelings and stuff like that..

W: Don’t you steal my word!

M: Don’t you steal my mojo! My speech was on a roll there, you’re just desperate….

A: Seriously, I can’t –

M: Ah, ok, you can’t distinguish just based on gender… How about sexuality?

A: Please, no, I –

M: Not sexuality? Alright then, what about this?  I painted one toenail pink yesterday. Who wouldn’t get laughed at because of that?

W: Hey, you can’t say that’s out of place for a man… it’s 2019, get wokeeee

M: NO [unsure pause, before looks sure of self again] Obviously, I meant, people will laugh at how it stands out from my other toenails.

W: well, I’m shaving part of my head tomorrow.

M: you serious? And you called me unwoke?? AYyy

Woman: Ah, no, you see, the rest of my, long, hair is gonna stand out now. Ayyyy

Man: Ok, ok, well, my left butt-cheek –

A: Ok. Here’s the thing. You both seem normal to me –

W: Wait –

A: I’m sorry, but –

M: did I hear right?? Did he call us both normal??

W: The outrage?? Normal!

M: Now, less likely to be discriminated against is one thing, but ruddy “normal”

W: My better sense tells me to drive you out of my shop, but we’ll give you one more chance. [Proper threatening lean in] Ayyyyyy

M: [slow]. Who –

W: Ayyy. Who –

M: Ayyyyyy . Who

W: Ayyyyy –

A: Pleaaaaase. All I needed was a shit. I just wanted to know where the toilets are. That’s all. I was just trying to resolve this asap but now I see that’s impossible and I just want to go to the can. Pleeeeeease

M: I’m not letting him off the hook –

W: [sighs] Well I don’t want to, but I do work here, and I’ve gotta… it’s round the back of the building. [wistfully] ayyy

A: Runs inside a car

Other in car [B]: what took so long?? All you wanted was a packet of crisps.

A: Please. No questions. not now… let’s just say your emergency excuse about needing a shit came in handy

B: classic. That’s gotten me out of so many odd situations in service stations over the years –

A: Just driiiiveeee, and be glad their loos are outside of the station or you’d still be waiting

W: [looking at car from CCTV camera] Dammit, they’re leaving.. If they don’t come back..

M: Ahh, I’m sure our plan worked

W: Really?? I think it’s just another damn ole’ useless scheme.

M: Nah, they’ve left to tell others far and wide of this thrilling argument. Before you know it, customers will be lining up, those two at the front… We’ll be charging a dollar for everybody’s opinion on it, and double the price on all snacks!! 

W: Ok, might as well hope I guess. Anyway, let’s practice our ‘Ayyyys’

Mugshot of my comedy/mental health discussion(/activist?) page

Hello mugs! Not an insult, cos in my opinion everyone’s very odd, and everyone’s a mug :O I’m hoping to basically embark on a project for the most important characteristic of all, self-love…

And to do this by embracing my favourite quote from a sitcom, by Eleanor in The Good Place: ‘Pobody’s Nerfect’ –> aka, among other things, ‘Don’t let perfect ruin good’, aka let’s just do what feels good, but not perfect, for ourselves, and go from there.

Also, my favourite quote everrrr:

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Which is part of the aim of this… because I’m trying to use this as something I turn to when I want to feel ok in myself in the moment…… while letting the long-term aims to write a big sitcom or whatever exist but not bother me. I guess creativity helps us to cope with the ever-present hole in our soul, but we all have our own way of expressing ourself while staying truly proud of ourselves. I was trying to copy family, friends, idols, at a really busy time in my life when my mind is crowded with A-Level work, and some pretty darn bad anxiety (that’s the only thing I’m sure is present in my maze of a mind). And after 17 years of music, poetry, sketching, blah blah, I think I’ve found a way of staying relaxed and feeling important, while having limited headspace: random sketches, possibly related, possibly unrelated, in whatever structure / lack of structure I want. Each a random, fun, piece, that I hope you enjoy looking at! I hope so much that this carries on being as much of a blast for me as early signs suggest. 

Anywayz, all of you keep looking if you haven’t found a source of pride. I say ‘a’ cos there isn’t just one passion for anyone on earth – we’re way too complex and cool for that, and we’re built to add individuality and muggishness to everything, including the little things. I mean, I bet no 2 people wipe their butts in exactly the same way – isn’t that a fucking awesome thought? And I’m here to join you on your search and my search! Let’s piss on intrusive thoughts and all that malarky, cos we’re all built in a different way to do our own muggish thing that’s individual, and that is just so fucking amazing.

Blimey I’m preaching like maaaaad. If any of you get this far in the post, I love you, both for who you are, and for trusting in me this much! Ya awesoooome, marry me :O That was said in the heat of the moment, I don’t know you personally. Anyway, we’ll see about the marriage thing, but from the bottom of my heart I (platonically) love you!