What

This feels like a bad dream gone wrong

Like chill smush of trauma can come true so strong

Like the rhyme didn’t happen if I wanted it to

And even if it did it’s about needing stress poo.

So I’ll fly around town in phosphorescent light

But I’m scared it won’t be allowed lorde-stylez heavy

But empty-frantic

blurgh icing

I think I’m scared of excited me,

hurt me too many times.

Goes a bit mad then feels

hate

Pinned it all down on chocolate cake,

But it’s still in me.

Lowly little smeeee.

Chocolate cake is a funny

I used to not eat it late cos of fear.

It changed nothing

I created the excitement.

Now it makes me shit, lol

I guess fear of franticness makes you feel like you’ve eaten too much chocolate cake.

Like now I’m alone I’m the wrong kind of sick I can feel the sugar (sugared up doubt) fucking my brain

I am trying to create and it has a mixed effect

Yesterday I woke up thinking I was in too much pain and too hopeless to do anything without spiralling even further.

But channelling that into finishing my album helped.

Somehow in my mood swingy frantic state, I reached a randomly rearranging mojo (crucially not creating from scratch, but just rewriting/mixing stuff up a bit) where I just became sure it was finished. A piece of work that had basically been my biggest creative project for the nearly 18 years I’ve lived.

Mental, somehow channeling all that made me feel so much less alone. Like my pain was what made me able to realise and channel my beautiful vulnerability. To appreciate the swag, warm stuff that has come in life and that will come in life. And also to appreciate life itself, exactly as it is right now.

Which is the main thing the album’s about, mind chatter vs beauty of life.

I called it blood in my body, sweat in the world. I know. Edgy right?? About how we’re all trying across the world yet have an intensely personal experience that nobody knows, our own version of the world. Matt Haig talks of how there are 7 billion worlds, one for each person.

Shit today tho I tried to carry on with the music part having finished the lyrics And it made me feel shit. I was no longer making it to channel my feelings, but out of the thoughts of ‘what would others like’. And that felt awful so after a while of scrambling with my perfectionist thoughts I finally stopped, did some yoga, managed to do 30 mins of walk.

The type of creativity I can do changes each day. The type that makes me feel connected, less alone, loved by the world. I thought it was music, then creative writing, then poetry then comedy, then mental health awareness. THEN ALL OF THEM IN A LOVELY ECLECTIC MESSSSS. And sometimes I can’t get it right.

Sometimes I can’t do any of them however much I want to.

Something nothing makes me feel good but lying around, letting my body and mind calm down to a stasis point where I can again feel emotions without wanting to bash my brain to a pulp because it’s too much.

But I’m trying. And journaling for yourself is a beautiful thing too. I think of it as ‘organising your thoughts in a non-organised way’.

Anywayz this was a fun rant yay lol creativity is carnage but sometimes, just sometimes, giving a personal voice to me in a mix of formats is what makes me recognise the beautiful fragility that I have, and that, although it’s individual, connects me to the world and what makes it so amazing. It’s sometimes impossible to see when you’re down there. But pain somehow, just maybe, is what makes the highs of life so brilliant.

FRIENDS theme tune says if it’s not your day your month your year, I’ll be there for you.

That’s sometimes impossible to realise when your mind convinces you everyone hates you.

But even if I feel alone, I try to trust that, if I can’t convince myself other people accept me, that by trying to accept myself, life will be there for me.

Matt Haig/Andy Burrows in their song ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ So wait a minute, wait a year, nothing will be the same as it is here’

Me in my weird song ‘Trying’: ‘In addicted minds maybe the most real thing is the love going into-‘

Mess

So I wrote a weird cross between a poem and music lyrics and I’m debating whether to share it on this blog.

It’s a mess that I guess I’m scared will only really makes sense to me.

I made it for me and when it think of it as being for me, it feels good and right, even if the perfectionist part of my brain panics.

Having said that, I’m kinda scared it’ll be hated for not just being really easy for other people to untangle into a deep meaning for them…

I guess it’s written as a personal take on what I see as universal rules about world-enforced mind chatter vs self-enforced acceptance, about the pain of realising the world has messed you up and that you need to heal and recover your true self through acceptance. Creativity is so HARD cos it’s chaos it’s like either too general and dull or too personal and confusing i swear anyway i have no clue how to get that perfect balance between these two extremes that someone like my ggg Lorde seems to get right alwayz.. sad timez

My mind’s constant undermining buzz and my rewriting

What my mind loves to tell me constantly like the annoying lying shit it is – this is such a base/root/typical state of my mind that I only recently realised it was there when I started meditating:

“I’m doing something wrong, there must be a solution, I’m not finding it”

Macbeth, ‘O full of scorpions is my mind’ style, but the scorpion stings are so common that my mind has been overcome by them, and I need to again become aware of individual stings in order to single them out and reason against them / see my true self despite the stings.

I’m trying to reframe this in my mind by listening to myself repeating the current mind mantra so I’m at least aware of it, and then a new mantra:

“It’s ok to think I’m doing something wrong. There’s no set solution. It’s ok to just drift and accept we’re all messes”

I’m trying not to lie to myself with this correction, but to be realistically optimistic. To know that my thoughts don’t equal truth, there’s no set right or wrong, and there’s no one solution. Not that everything will turn out perfectly. But that if I trust myself for once, knowing that it’s ok to be a mug because everyone else is, it can turn out good, if not perfect. As per my previous wholesome yet stressed rant, just try to accept and, when I can do that, go for what feels truly good for me.

just try to accept – paradoxically the root of my progress at least

Last week I got too overwhelmed, and this has recently been happening a few times a month as I relapse for a couple of days.

Literally anything – apart from walking around slowly alone at night – made my mind convince me that I deserved to hate myself. Even trying to feel better was too much, too guilt-creating. Fun catastrophising times as my mind was no longer able to cope with the ways in which the outside world got in. As I wrote in my weird poetry days I felt “subsumed by my mind and a lot more”.. and I needed a hella break.

So I took a day off school. Cos I matter more than any grades. And I’d rather not be suicidal again. But I was still afraid, my mind was too strong in convincing me I’d never feel better again. That I should be doing something productive. That I was doing something wrong and should be finding the solution, and then sharing it with everybody in a concise phrase. That I was about to collapse. Or ruin my life.

And finally, I gave up on all that messy shit in favour of just being the messy shit I already am. I stripped everything to: JUST TRY TO ACCEPT. Not a quick fix, but a life-long state of being. I tried, for now, to let myself forget every other mantra I was trying to cram into my head or onto my blog or into my conversations, get rid of everything else that I was frantically trying in frantic attempts to feel proud of myself. Tried to test what particular exercises worked in this individual situation. Meditation, walking, lying down, yoga, letting the frantic world be, letting my thoughts be. Mindfulness.

And then I could just about see my mind as some kind of airy creation that’s separate from my true, swag self. The self that matters regardless of the world or your interactions with it. As Matt Haig explains it in Reasons to Stay Alive, “something imperishable, immune to changeabality of thought. The self that connects me to you, and human to human. The unbreakable force of survival. Of life.”

Anywayz, for me, JUST TRY TO ACCEPT is about withdrawing from the world as much as you need in order to regain sight of that “self”, and be able to recognise it and accept it exactly as it is, regardless of what your thoughts tell you.

When you can get rid of all that mind clutter that the world has taught you, and become aware of how you truly are right now, then, as the.holistic.psychologist says, you can then develop and “Question everything, especially your own perceptions. Break down the stories you’ve created. Free yourself from the emotional roller coaster of the ego. Find grace in the humility of unlearning.”

And then, once you start to recognise your awesomely muggish self, you can try to recognise what’s truly good for you, and take steps, however small and slow, in a positive direction, while still trying to prioritise mindful acceptance over superficial productivity (e.g work, trying to gain others’ approval) that could lead to more spiralling.

Sooooooo…

There’s no conversation you need have to have. Nothing you need to do. No title/qualification/description you need to become. No person or group or organisation or system you need to feel accepted by.

There’s just one thing you need to do: try your best to accept yourself exactly as you are right now, however hard and fucking slow it is. And in this moment. And in thisssss moment. And in thisssss… yeah, you get it.

Regardless of how you feel or what your mind’s telling you or how guilty the past makes you feel or how scared the future makes you feel or how painful the present makes you feel.

If you try to do things that help you accept yourself right now (e.g yoga, mindfulness, reading Matt Haig, acts of kindness, self-care that doesn’t feed of addictions, work that makes you feel like you are improving yourself and the world, trying new things, taking your time, taking a day off work, whatever works for you), rather than things that are superficially good for you but make you feel pain deep down (e.g. pressuring yourself to work more when you’re overwhelmed, trying to feel accepted by people or to be more productive to fill in for your inner emptiness, feeding off addictions including to emotions and empty social media joy), things that are truly right for you will come to you in time.

Acceptance is not about being lazy, but about being brave enough not to give in to your mind’s chatter, chatter that is keeping you in a restricting safety net . Acceptance is about being brave enough to slow down so that you can then redirection yourself. Acceptance is about being brave enough to repeat the process whenever you are losing sight of your inner warmth. So that when you put in effort, it creates the sense of fulfilment you deserve, as a human mess who is trying to contribute to the good of the messy world, starting with yourself.

More Matt Haig fromNotes on a Nervous Planet: (p175) “we don’t even need to consciously change at all. The change can happen simply by being aware. When it comes to our minds, awareness is very often the solution itself.

And also,”Accept yourself. If you can’t be happy with yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can’t change yourself if you don’t know yourself.” And “Only by accepting a situation can you change yourself” and “often identifying a problem, being mindful of it, becomes the solution itself”. And (p189) “There comes a point at which you have to face it. To face yourself. In a world of a million distractions you are only left with one mind.”

Writing this, I’ve ironically often felt frustratingly bland/not emotionally intense enough/not like I’ve reached every deep-rooted solution I want to reach, and so fucking uncertain about what’s right and wrong.

I’ve found it so hard to accept this article about acceptance, I’ve rewritten and rewritten before feeling ok to show it to anyone. But uncertainty is ok. Even in this messy piece of writing, the only words that are completely clearly correct in my mind, even if they’re hard to see as correct if I let my mind react with the outside world, are “JUST TRY TO ACCEPT”. Acceptance is a difficult, lifelong journey that like all others is about direction, not speed. about 2 steps forward, one step back. And it’s hard af. BUT SOOOO REWARDING.

As Matt Haig says inNotes on a Nervous Planet (p299-301)The really difficult bit is how to change attitudes inside yourself. How do you edit those? Those attitudes ingrained in you by society. Attitudes about what you need to do and be to be valued. […] Yes. Not easy. But acceptance seems to be the key. Accepting who you are. Accepting reality of your society, but also the reality of yourself, and not feeling like you’re incomplete […] Try to stay your full self. A complete, whole human being, here for no other purpose than to be you. By the way, I would be lying if I said I was there already. I am so not there. I am closer, but not even vaguely there. I doubt I will ever be totally there […] It’s not about being perfect. In fact, punishing yourself for not being perfect is part of the whole problem. So, accepting where I am – improved and imperfect – is an ongoing task, but a massively rewarding one.”

So now I’m gonna finish with this piece that I’ve been editing for ages having at the beginning decided it’s super important for me (maybe not a great choice for someone who’s had OCD and anxiety perfectionist-type stuff building for years aghhhh). I’ll just hope it’s maybe resonates with someone else beyond their mind’s grating chaos, or if not it’ll be useful for me to re-read and to know that I know, deep down, that I can just be. Like this. Right nowwww.

Knowing that I’ll create other things developing on all this when the time is right. That I can drift, and see what the fuck happenz, and work when it doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit.. swaaaaaaag

by TheLatestKate, her and Matt Haig have taught me these truths that for me now matter above anything else; when my mind is unbelievably cluttered, it’s the one thing I want to never forget. to let myself relax and walk around and rest and disconnect from the world as much as I need to before I feel like I can reconnect with myself, and then slowly see if I can reconnect with the world.
From the.holistic.psychologist on instagram.. this is the mindset that I’m trying to work towards… it’s hard and it’ll neva end but it’s hella swaaaaag

Also this video is awesome for motivation.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXfkoqoeFO8

I’m a bit overwhelmed by trying to get better

And by trying to think about all the things I’m learning through the process..

When all I need to learn is not to rush. To make sure that I try keep sight of my inner light. I can redo anything I mess up at, like exams or messages or conversations or activities or work or productivity or creativity, except trying to love myself.

I once wrote a poem about how stressed trying to write the poem made me. It was the only poem I felt 100% attached to and like it was me speaking in it rather than a version of myself tailored for other people.

Writing this post makes me feel almost like I’ll have a panic attack, so I’m gonna stop soon.

It’s just so hard because I feel like I’ve learnt so much through this pain and, now that I’ve had a two day relapse that culminated in me needing to take another day off school, I’m scared I’ll forget what I’ve learnt and just get worse and worse, and that I won’t ever be able to share all that I’ve learn with other people. I feel guilty for not simultaneously making everyone else feel better but instead struggling to make myself feel better.

I want to release a new post with new mantras but it’s so hard right now… I’m not scared the people who see my post will hate me. I’m scared that creating the post will drive me mad with panic and make me hate myself, but that not creating the post will make me feel guilty and worried about my future and will thus also make me hate myself.

So I’m gonna do what I know I love… take a long walk, partially alone with music, and maybe partially with my sister and dog if I feel up to interaction with anyone else…

And then, as thelatestkate says, since I’m overwhelmed, I’ll “take my time thinking about what I want to do, and just take that one step in the direction that makes the most sense”. For me, that was writing this post about how hard it is to write a post, rather than a post about the stuff my anxiety wanted me to write about (like the mantras I’ve learnt and the experiences I’ve had) – I now no longer feel like I’m about to have a panic attack! And now it’s taking that walk alone, and then I’ll see what the next step is. Maybe some more walking… Maybe some meditation where I ground myself in my body and other deeper aspects of myself than my mind… maybe organising some work and seeing if I can even do a tiny bit… maybe just breathing and chilling with some Brooklyn 99, a TV show that I know relaxes me rather than one where an addiction is driving me to see what happens next. Maybe some reading, if I feel able to read for myself now instead of out of some anxiety for the future.

Direction, not speed is so hard, but so important, especially when it comes to healing, I want to find THE DEFINITIVE SOLUTION but it doesn’t exist, apart from through a life-long process of trying to always keep sight of my inner warmth amidst the chaos of my mind and the world, and through a life-long process of trying to accept myself, and maybe even to love myself, exactly as I am, regardless of whatever my grinding brain tries to throw at me. And right now, I’ve lost sight of those processes in favour of guilt and wanting to do everything and nothing simultaneously, so I need A BREAK, hopefully within a few weeks I’ll be able to post the new mantras and anecdotes that I’ve been lucky enough to kind of reach, but right now I’m struggling to cope with those mantras myself, because the fear of what to do with them is undermining my own acceptance of being exactly as I am and knowing that what’s right for me to be and do and become will come in its own time. 

(as the Friendstheme tune says, within ‘a day, a month, a year’; and as the andy burrows/matt haig song ‘reasons to stay alive’ says, “SO wait a minute, then wait a year, nothing will be the same as it is here’)

THELATESTKATE is AMAAAAAZINGGGGG (if you go on her instagram bio, you can find a link that can get you a get morning email from her every day it helps me so much, even if I’m scared about trying to remember and use all these mantras / share them with people)

as is MATT HAIG’s instagram (the comment by muggish person, which I’ll one day start using as as an instagram account for my blog, is mine)

Me talking to a dog

I love dogs so bloody much, and this random.. creation… is loosely based off an awesome Chapter of Matt Haig’s Notes on a Nervous Planet where he’s chatting to a sea-turtle:

Anyway, I don’t really know what this is, but I thought I’d share it because it felt kinda fun…

Me: Hey dog, I know I’m often feeling too self-conscious to show it in public, but dogs are my favfavfaaaave animals… even when I used to be kinda scared of you as a kid, I also loved your bonkerz-love-sharing-eagerness.

Dog: Thanks, I love you too I mean you just gave me a belly rub so you are so great I trust you 100% let’s have some fun yayyyy… I can’t really choose a fave animal, mind – they all look like they’d be so exciting to play with!

Me: So… sorry, but like the messy human I am, I’m gonna have to change the conversation topic to venting about my life problems right now :/

Dog: That’s fine! I love emotion-sharing, and it always seems to help you humans to feel less trapped… check this out, it’s my thrilled emotion-time face!!

Me: Well, thanks, means a lot – I’m too scared of people with their judgement right now… I’m so fucking frustrated, because my brain’s just undermining my actions constantly, even when I’m in a good mood. It’s driving me mad, and it feels like I can’t even hear what my true self is trying to tell me.

Dog: Well, that must be really hard, I can’t imagine how hard your own individual struggles must be, and I’m here for you and won’t even consider leaving until you feel at least a little better, ok? Anyway, I guess I lucked out there – we don’t really have the same reasoning set-up in our brains, we’re free to go after whatever feels right in the moment…

Me: Geez, that must be so great… Sometimes, I feel like during the day my mind’s just grating away, making imaginary wounds across my entire body until I just drift into a heavy, slumped, hopelessness where I can’t be bothered to try and face that pain anymore.

Dog: Same. Like last week when my family wouldn’t share their paella with me. Despaired for a whole 10 minutes.

Me: I guess maybe that’s where humans are useful. Maybe our reasoning and awareness of our feelings is needed to help ourselves and each other deal with this messed up world we’ve created. Maybe, even though we’ve been caught up in a tangled mess of addiction, we’re the only creatures who can make a conscious decision to reverse that…

Dog: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you hearing me?? I GOT NO PAELLA! That’s a tragedy..

Me: No, dog…it would have been a tragedy thousands of years ago, when not getting that food would’ve led to you starving. But in this world, it wouldn’t have been good for you to act on that impulse… your brain is genetically made to search for food at all times, and I guess us humans can at least realise that, in your comfy house where you’ve taken over the sofa, that’s not a good thing.

Dog: I do LOVE the sofa.

Me: Not sure if that’s the right message, but sure…

Dog: Yes, I guess maybe I should care a little more about the future sometimes..

Me: And I should care a little less sometimes; but then again, we’re not designed for this chaotic world either, I guess: it’s built to create stress and addiction and distract ourselves from… ourselves, and from what’s good for us deep down. I guess that’s why we’re turning to things like mindfulness… acceptance of our negative situation is the first step to positive change, like losing our individual addictions, and like being an activist to try and help others. Thanks, having you to hug while I’m shaking has helped soooo much… MUCH LOVEEEEE

Dog: You humans pride youself on talking about your love for others, but you don’t act on it enough, you get distracted by your work’s importance and your social media’s importance and all these other fake worlds instead…

Me: I guess you’re right.. maybe we should let ourselves just sit and be more aware of everything.. and maybe over time, we can again remember what really matters??

Dog: Yasssss if that’s what you need to do. I’m lucky, I was born knowing what matters and I’ve never really lost that.. but the kid humans seem so much less fun to play with the more they grow up, so I guess you humans are being taught the wrong values by society.

Me: well, the moment I’ve finished writing this sketch, I’ll show my love for my fam by taking out of the dishwasher.. I’ve always enjoyed that particular chore for some reason as well…

Dog: Yes, helping others and having a good time, that’s what I call BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREEE hahahah… 

Me: So… one more question… you love yourself, not only others, then??

Dog: Yes, I love myself so much. 

Me: Is that why you love others so much?

Dog: I guess. I’m never jealous, I love them all so selflessly because I know I’m perfect as I am and that they are too. All perfect because of our own individual weirdness. 

Me: You do seem SO HAPPY when other people are happy.

Dog: I’m glad to find any other creature feeling at peace in the world. It’s beautiful. We all deserve to be at ease.

Me: This is deep stuff

Dog: Well, this is just you, a crazy over-thinking human, trying to add meaning to my awesomeness so that you can embody it, and care about the things that really matter when you look at yourself and the world.

Me: Well, thanks a tonne.. you’ve helped, I hope you help a tonne of other humans as much as you’ve helped me..

Dog: Ayyyy look at that, selfless love yay that must mean deep down you love youself tooooo

Me: I guess so… I guess the world and my mind have just clouded that self-acceptance over… Maybe I should brush my teeth before taking out of the dishwasher. Something just for ME.

Dog: YOU GO HUMAN YASSSSSSSS. One quick request first tho. You know how we were talking about acts of love? You got any paella in that bag of yours?? No? Shame… well, I’ll accept another belly rub instead as well… relax time yeeeee

Bad state, but trying to love all beings and trying to remember that all beings includes myself; AND MY MANTRAS

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO LIKED MY MOST RECENT SKETCH ON PANIC ATTACKS, IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME THAT SOMETHING I CREATED OUT OF FRUSTRATION BUT ALSO A DESIRE TO FEEL OK WITH MYSELF, WHEN I WAS FEELING REALLY CRAPPY, ALSO MEANT SOMETHING TO SOME OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE OUT THERE.

Anywayz, me right now be like:

“Hey let’s create another sketch. Oh no wait. It’ll go shit. I’ll not be able to make anything and it’ll lower my self-confidence that I tried and failed. No one will like my next one if I post it. It’ll make everyone hate me who sees it. I’ll lose all my followers. The world is out to get me, apart from in the few reassuring moments when I feel able to talk to a friend without feeling guilty about overwhelming them with how I am. I’m spiralling and I’ll never get better, even if I’m trying to use random silly techniques, they’re just distractions and I’ll feel crap”

BUT these are all lies that a disease in my brain and body is telling me, and at the end of the day none of it’s true. I must be a good person since I care about being good so much, and spend so long worrying about that. Anywayz, I want to share some of my favourite mantras just cos writing them will reinforce them in my brain, and cos maybe there’s a small chance they’ll help someone else a little too.

  • We’re all mugs. Aka embrace your weird, no one has it together, we’re all humans who are by definition a weird mess, but the fact that we’re all messes who are in it together is what makes this world so beautiful. We can relate to each other, social media where people’s lives are perfect is NEVER true.
  • DIRECTION, NOT SPEED; LESS IS MORE
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously and deeply. Accept all of youself whenever, laugh at yourself whenever, you are awesome and when you mess up it’s hilarious and you can havfe a good reason to chortle and then try again, and  when you succeed it’s awesome; BUT BE PROUD OF YOURSELF BOTH WAYS<TRYING IS ALL THAT MATTERS and knowing that, however shit something was for you, you do want to try and accept yourself.
  • TURN life into your favourite things. I like turning mine into Brooklyn 99 and colours and mad music, or writing up aspects of my life and belief and wacky ideas into sketches.
  • THERE IS TIME, because you don’t have to achieve everything, and if you focus on self-love, everything that’s right for you will naturally come to you, however fucking long it takes. 
  • EMBRACE YOUR INNER GINA. You are awesome. You may feel like the poo emoji. But like Gina, you are the human form of the 100 emoji, because the poo emoji and the 100 emoji are one and the same, just weird messes that are so awesome because they’re weird messes that are trying anyway.
  • Gandhi quote time: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.” if you want to try seize something, try seize it, because you naturally love yourself, even if the world’s tried to cloud over that love, not because you’re punishing yourself for having been lazy. Learn what you want to learn for yu, and nothing more… if the rest doesn’t feel productive, then it’ll make you feel worse about yourself. Facts are useless unless you feel like they’re really improving you as a person/for your goals.
  • It’s ok to just be curious about the future rather than really stressed about making it perfect.
  • Be like a proper friend or a pet dog: care about the true stuff when looking at yourself and others, not appearance/one specific thing you said or did, but about the overall ‘vibe’ you get from someone. All my friends, including myself, have hurt me at some point, but I know they’re good people who are usually brilliant for me, and that includes myself, and that’s all I try to care about in the long term. 
  • Just because you think someone else thinks something of you, it doesn’t mean that thought is true, even if the other person really is thinking that. If it’s a thought that upsets you, then it means that you, who know yourself best, feel offended by that, because it goes against your morals – aka you’re a good person, even if you actually have actually acted badly in the past and will in the future, YOU CARE and are trying not to act badly. 
  • But you need to prioritise self-love in order to be able to share selfless love with other people. YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF<,AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL COME, AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT FOR YOU WILL STAND BY YOU.
  • If you’re worried you’re bad, you’re a good person because you care.

I recommend anything by Matt Haig, including his books, and his album with Andy burrows on Spotify, and also ‘YOu can Do All Things’ By Kate Allan, for more cool mantras and things to relate to if you feel a tad on the hopeless side.

A panic attack where the person does everything they feel like doing, instead of just sitting there blankly and feeling judged and hated despite doing nothing

Sitting there blankly:

Person A is sitting on a bench in a crowded park, moaning and shaking slightly 

Their friend, person B, looks mildly worried and confused

B: Are you sure there’s nothing clear that I can help with right now??

A [moans incoherently, too quietly to make out what they say]

B: Geeez you really need to speak louder, what’s up??

A slouches/hunches over even further, buries face in hands

B: just stop sulking, I’m sure just talking it all out will make everything better

B places hand on A’s shoulder

A shrugs away

B: fine, if you just want to sit there and sulk then I’ll leave you for nowww

B walks off to another group of friends, looking slightly awkward and anxious. The group of friends look a little bemused.

Doing what your mind tells you to do:

Person A is sitting on a bench in a crowded park, moaning and shaking slightly 

Their friend, person B, looks mildly worried and confused

B: Are you sure there’s nothing clear that I can help with right now??

A [moans incoherently, too quietly to make out what they say]

B: Geeez you really need to speak louder, what’s up??

Person A jumps off the bench, violently runs a lap of the park while screaming, ‘so much fucking paiiiiiiiiin’ at the top of their voice, then jumps onto the bench and jumps up and down

A [while jumping wildly]: soz for speaking quietly, it’s just my brain got a bit overwhelmed and became convinced everyone hated me and my world’s about to end and even though I’m so frustrated there’s nothing I can do except wait for it to happen, so I felt a little self-conscious and like I don’t deserve sympathy for how I feel right now –

B: Geez, but none of that’s true, pal

A: Yeah, well. I KNOW that. But also, right now, I know none of that, it’s all become too convincing, there’s nothing I can dooo…

Person A runs around bashing their head with his fists while the nearby group of people looks scared, mutter ‘is he ok?’ and things like that

A: I just. Wannnaaaaaa. Bash. These. Thoughts. Out. Of. My heaaaad foireverrrrrrr

B [frantically running to A and trying to restrain A]: Oh my god, I had no clueeeee. [holding A’s arms back as A screams wildly] you just need to wait for this to pass, come on, you’re ok, come on..

A: Aaaaaaaaaaa I just can’t be fucked to hold it in any longer

B: come on. just sit down. I’ll understand if you can’t say anything, but this is dangerous pal –

A: aaaa noooooooo cos gthen I’ll feel guilty. I just need to let it allllalalalalllalll ouuuuut nowwwwwwwwww aaaahhh fuuuuuuuuck

B: geez ok I’m calling 911 like if you can’t stay still now

A [fighting as another person from the group of friends comes to help B restrain their arms]: Ahh nooo that’ll make me worseeeee noooo

But, a few hours later, A is calmly sitting in a hospital room, face in hands, B saying ‘It’s ok, don’t worry, I understand now’

A [wry smile on face]: thanks for not just running off pal, you must’ve thought I was mad

B: Well, I wish you hadn’t gone that bonkerz, I had no clue what to doo….. BUT I’m glad you’ve opened up about how you always feel like you’re restraining this sense of panic, and now I’ve seen how powerful these panic attacks can be, I’m glad you didn’t just bottle it all in.. I just thought you were a sulky person haha

Doctor: yesss, it’s hard when you think that the whole world’s out to get you. When you’re at your worst, but you feel like you’ve died and gone to the bad place. Only, unlike in Michael Schur’s TV series, you feel like you’re alone, with no friends to help you out, because you think everyone hates you for how you feels and wants to make you feel worse. But bottling that in, instead of either physically or mentally letting it out through calming exercising or talking or singing, can never be healthy. Just somehow try to surround yourself with beautiful calming things that remind you of the happiness you’ve been through in your life. And I promise, it never feels like it in the moment, but it’ll always pass.